So when are you going to have another baby?
What is it about having one baby, everyone has to ask you when you’re going to have another? Or, when you’ve been married for a certain amount of time, they have to ask you when you’re going to get started? It could be your closest friend or someone you’ve met for ten minutes. Most likely, that individual is going to think that your baby situation is their business. Much of the time, it IS because people are excited and they love a baby. But there are times with the baby topic isn’t warranted and you’re left seething inside. I should know. I’ve seen both sides. I used to be one of those nosey people. I would blatantly ask when someone was going to have a baby. Or when they were going to have another. But lately, I’ve had a change of heart, and I’ll tell you why.
But first, let’s rewind: I had no trouble at all getting pregnant with Grady. One month is all it took. I would gather with other moms-to-be and some would talk about how long it took them to get pregnant and I would proudly state that I got pregnant on the first try. I would say that I was boasting. Almost cocky about the fact that I was able to conceive so quickly.
When Grady was about seven months old, we got together with a group of friends. One of the couples there had just celebrated their 30th birthdays and so I felt the need to ask them when they were going to have a baby. I cringe thinking back to it. It wasn’t out of spite but it wasn’t my business. This particular couple weren’t strangers, we were friends. Still, it wasn’t my business. I probed the husband about when they were going to have a baby. I’m pretty sure I mentioned that they had turned 30 and it was time. I continued to try and get information from the husband until I eventually I heard my friend, Andi, softly scold me from across the table.
“Ashley, you don’t know what they’re going through. They could be struggling to have a baby. They could have had miscarriages. Trying to have a baby might be a very painful subject for them and they might not want to talk about it.”
In my own selfishness, I had forgotten about the conversation that Andi and I had at lunch a few months earlier. She struggled so greatly to have children, suffered multiple miscarriages…I remember her talking about how hard it was for her. Emotionally, mentally and physically. Yet, here I was, with my seven month old baby that took me no time to have, and digging for information that wasn’t my business in the first place. I never meant to hurt anyone, but sometimes words can cut like a knife. I had never taken the time to put myself in someone else’s shoes until I saw Andi across the table with a look of hurt in her eyes.
Fast forward to today. Grady is fourteen months. I have been trying to have a baby for six months. And people continue to ask me when I’m going to have another baby. I know it’s not to hurt me and sometimes people just don’t think. My husband says I need to be grateful that I at least have one healthy child. But it’s still hurtful and frustrating. Someone says it’s not like I’ve been trying for very long. But it’s still hurtful and frustrating. Whether you’re struggling to have a baby or expand your family, it hurts all the same. Which leads me to another point: what about if I only wanted to have ONE baby? Getting asked when are you going to have another baby would cause me to feel some sort of guilt…like I should be having another one when I had only planned for one. What’s wrong with having just one baby?
Maybe I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine? Maybe the Lord is letting this happen so I can draw closer to him. Maybe it’s happening so that I can continue to gain empathy for others and lose my cocky attitude about conceiving children. One thing I know for sure, I WILL NEVER have the nerve to ask someone when they are going to have a baby. Because I don’t know what they are going through. I don’t know what their story is. Unless that person wants to share with me, it’s none of my business.
~Ashley
Photography by my beautiful friend Andi, whom I’m so relieved still loves me, even though I have a big mouth.