Before I get into my story let me backtrack: After graduating college, I ended up moving back home. I had just broken up with my boyfriend (that I thought I was going to marry) and had nowhere else to go but back to my one stoplight hometown. At the age of 23 I bought my first house. It was in the middle of the country, just adjacent to the Seminole Indian Reservation. At the time I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. A 23 year old buying a house in the middle of nowhere? I should have lived my best life. I should have moved to the city and traveled. But everything happens for a reason and God plants you where he wants to.
I had very few neighbors and one of the few were an elderly couple named Frank and Barbara. I would often wave to Barbara as she would walk the dirt road past my house to check her mail. The waves turned into little chit chats. The chit chats turned into long visits on the porch. We would have coffee together and swap recipes. She would bring me fresh vegetables from her garden in the spring and I would bring her pumpkin bread in the fall. I learned that she was already once a widow, had no children of her own and she had beat breast cancer. I didn’t have anyone to help with “manly things” so Frank would come over and help with the occasional removal of a snake from my porch or the turn of a wrench. They were my friends.
After seven years of living in that little house, I was nearing 30, single and needed a change. I got a job in Tampa and sold my house. I never lost touch with Frank and Barbara. I would often call to check on her and she would excitedly tell me how it was so good to hear my voice. When I met my husband, I brought him to meet Frank and Barbara.
Man he is a good one! You got a good one! Frank would say.
After I had Grady (my first son) I flew him down to Florida at four months old and took him out to meet my friends. (At this point I was living in Maryland.) I never missed an opportunity to call, write, send a card or letter. Barbara came to my bridal shower, they were invited to my wedding and made a trip to Grady’s first birthday out at my parent’s ranch. Every time I flew to my hometown for a visit, I always called and made a trip out to see Frank and Barbara. They were my friends.
The day after Christmas I got a call from Barbara. Frank had been on life support for a week and was about to be entered into Hospice.
Barbara, why didn’t you call me???
Very quietly she says, I didn’t want to ruin your Christmas with such terrible news…
Here was this 80 year old woman, no family to comfort her, driving back and forth to the hospital for the past week and spending Christmas in a hospital room and she didn’t want to ruin MY Christmas. It was the biggest punch in the gut. I wanted to be there. I felt like I should have been there. She is in Florida, I am in Maryland and we are in the middle of a pandemic. After speaking with her for a few minutes, I told her I was going to call her tomorrow to check on her. There wasn’t much else I felt like I could do.
I called the next evening, like I said I would. As soon as she picked up the phone she says, Hello, Ashley… she doesn’t have a cell phone so I assume caller ID. Frank had already passed. He never even made it into Hospice. She seemed to be in shock and had moments of grief and other moments of just small talk. I asked her if she needed anything. She said she didn’t really know what she needed. It’s hard when you’re so far away and all you have to offer are words. My words aren’t always the best.
The next day I decided to send some flowers rather than call. She called me as soon as she got them. I asked her how she was doing.
You know…it’s really hard…but I’m not the only person this has ever happened to. I can’t feel sorry for myself. At least I got to hold his hand until his heart stopped. So many people haven’t been able to be with their loved ones as they passed and so many people have had a bad year.
She sounded so strong. And selfless. I don’t think I could be as strong as she was. I was so worried about her not having anyone there to comfort her. I was worried about her driving back and forth to the hospital alone and at night. I was worried about where she was going to go now that Frank was gone and who was going to take care of her. I was worried about all the “manly things” that needed to be done around her house that she was unable to do because she was so feeble.
I waited a day or two to call her back. I didn’t want to be one of those people that just calls incessantly when someone just needs time to process their thoughts. At the same time, I didn’t want her to think I didn’t care.
Hello, Ashley….was how she answered the phone.
I asked her how she was doing. Did she have a plan? Did she need help? She did have a plan. She had her ducks in a row. She eventually would put her house on the market and move to be with her sister in Michigan. It was somewhat relief to me knowing that she was looking ahead and she assured me she was going to be alright. I also felt a little sadness knowing that when she moves, I might never see her again.
I’ve been so worried about you, Barb. I care about you.
It took her a moment before she responded, I don’t know why.… and her voice trailed off.
Because you’re my friend.
After I said that, she got a little choked up and said, I don’t know what I ever did to deserve your friendship…
I started to get choked up because I don’t think she realized what a great friend she was to me.
What I’ve Taken Away from This:
Friends don’t have to be the same age as you. They also don’t have to be the same color, ethnicity or economic status as you. You can learn a lot about the world when your friends aren’t EXACTLY like you. You become more openminded and can see things from a different perspective. Barbara was in her seventies and I still considered her a friend.
Friends don’t have to give you anything to be a friend. The same goes for them. Real friends don’t keep tabs on what they’ve done for you. Friendship shouldn’t be a game of what you can do or give to each other (in terms of money or acts of service). Sometimes, all I gave Barbara was my time. My company. That made me a good enough friend to her. I lived alone for seven years and she kept an eye on me. Checked on me. That made her a good enough friend to me.
Real friends can go for miles and years. I have friends I haven’t seen in forever but I KNOW that when we get together, we’ll pick up where we left off. I have friends that I haven’t talked to in months but I know they are still my friends. It’s always been that way. Always will be.
Real friends can be like family. They’re the ones you can trust with your kids, or call for an emergency. Friends that are like family come and sit at your dining room table. You break bread with them. They are involved in your kids’ lives and you’re involved in theirs. Just because you don’t share the same DNA doesn’t mean that a friend can’t be a brother or sister.
Friends should be able to talk about their differences and then move on. If you get into an argument and the relationship has been severed, then was it really a true friendship? Real friends understand their differences, talk about it, agree to disagree and move on. But there should also a mutual respect between the friends in regards to the differences. A friend and I got into an argument and we didn’t talk for an entire year. I knew her friendship was well worth it and the argument wasn’t. I gave her some time (an entire year) and we both came back full circle. I can’t imagine my life without her (love you Molls). Friends have differences. Real friends don’t let the differences get in the way of what’s important.
Sometimes you run into individuals that end up being fairweather friends. Other times, you click with someone and then disaster strikes only to realize they weren’t really your friend after all . And yet there are times, if you’re lucky, where meet your people. Your real friends. The ones you know will never leave your side and you’ll never leave theirs. The ones you care and worry about. I hope Barbara realizes what a great friend she was to me and that I’ll always be her friend, no matter what.
