Now before I go pointing a finger at ANYONE else, this post is about ME. I am JUST as guilty for saying the following things to other women regarding pregnancy and/or babies. Baby number 2 was no easy quest. Through my “journey,” I learned a lot about navigating through conversations consisting of the baby topic. Some things you JUST. DON’T. SAY. A friend reminded me that when people say inappropriate things regarding pregnancy, that much of the time, they aren’t being malicious. And I totally agree! Yet, I feel that all of us could use some insight as to the effect that our words have on people – malevolent or not. I’ve been there. I’ve done it. I’ve said it. I’ve also learned what NOT to say.
When you are going to have a baby?
You can read more about why I never say this little innocent phrase HERE. Why is there a timeline with having another baby? Why is it that as soon as the first child turns one, that automatically you have to start pumping another kid out? Or, as soon as you get married, the question erupts. This seems to be the number one question people ask. For some, it’s not that easy. Oh I was going to get pregnant when Grady turned nine months so that I would have two kids 18 months apart! HA!! It took us a year and we had a miscarriage along the way. And what if the person you’re asking only plans of having ONE child??? I know I’ve made the moment awkward when I’ve asked this question and the response was, “What’s wrong with having just one?” Touché. I was asked this A LOT. As soon as I was brutally honest and said, “We’re struggling” is when all got quiet. Because it aggravated ME so much to get asked “WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY?, I make it a point NEVER to ask this one anymore.
Do you want to have another?
There was a young mother that moved into my neighborhood. We met at the pool, had great conversation, etc. She had one child. He was a little older. Was I curious? Yep. Did I ask her? Nope. Our talk was so easy, mom to mom, and I could have been comfortable enough to ask her why she only had one child. Did she want another? But I didn’t. It was much later in getting to know her a little better, that SHE opened up to ME about her fertility struggles and miscarriages. I would have felt like a jerk asking her that upon our first meeting. She might have become a little offended deep down in me asking such a personal question. I have learned that yes, some mothers would have LOVED to have another baby, but couldn’t conceive a second. In these situations, I let the HER handle how much information she wants to give. How inconsiderate would it be for me to open a (most likely) unwanted conversation reminding a mother why she can’t have another child? These days, I’m an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. Not someone who tries to pry information.
Relax! Drink some wine!
“Gee, Becky! That’s great advice! I’ll just drink some wine and THEN I’ll get pregnant! DUH!”
If I got pregnant for every time I relaxed with a glass of wine, I would have a reality show called “Ashley and Scott Have A Lot…Of Kids.” I’m sorry, but wine doesn’t get you pregnant. Neither do certain sex positions, certain foods, exercises, and even ovulation kits! (Believe me, I used those kits every month for a year. If they actually “got you pregnant,” it would have happened WAAAAY sooner and we could have saved a lot of money.) Some women have what’s called UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY. That means, no matter how many blood tests, specimen samples or objects shoved up her vag, the doctors just can’t figure out what’s wrong. And no amount of wine consumed is going to help her get pregnant. So before I offer wine as a solution for someone’s inability to get pregnant, I plan on taking a step back and thinking maybe this woman is having to conceive with medical help. You just never know.
Relax! It will happen when it’s supposed to!
Okay, this one is a two-part. First of all, don’t tell someone who is trying every month to have a baby to relax. As I said before, I know it was never meant to be malicious. But here is the reason I had difficulty relaxing: I got married later in life. I had a kid later. Grady was conceived the first month of “trying.” Now in the back of my mind I’m thinking, I need to hurry up and get pregnant because I’m only getting older and will probably only be able to have two kids…So every month that goes by and I’m not pregnant, I just start to get more anxious because I just think of how much older I’m getting. Now, I know I’m not OLD…but I’m considered “Advanced Maternal Age.” See where I’m going with this? There are a hundred other reasons why a woman can’t relax when they’re trying to get pregnant. And then there are the ovulation kits! OH THE OVULATION KITS! The sticks and the timing and the reading and the timing and the peeing and the timing…how do you relax? You’re constantly on watch. It’s exasperating. Telling a woman desperate to have a baby to relax is easier said than done.
Second, it will happen when it’s supposed to. Well, how do we know that? I have a good friend that has gone through the whole song and dance of testing, only to find out that if she wants a child, she’ll need medical assistance. Are you going to tell her It’ll happen when it’s supposed to??? She tried to conceive a child for 2.5 years. It hasn’t happened yet. Most women don’t think they will ever have to go through fertility treatments in order to get a child. They never think they are going to struggle. People say it will happen when it’s supposed to. Yet for many, it doesn’t. Yes perhaps that when they DO get pregnant, everything will fall into place and eventually they’ll say, It happened when it was supposed to. Until then, it doesn’t make it easier to say that to a woman who is desperate to have a baby.
Just stop thinking about it!
Yes, yes….stop thinking about it. Of course! Having another baby was all I ever thought about. And every month that I wasn’t pregnant, I was thinking of it more. And then I was thinking maybe I wasn’t doing the ovulation kits right. And then I was thinking about how much older I was getting. And then I was thinking about the age gap that would happen between my kids. And then I was thinking maybe this would be our only child. And then I was thinking how lonely he would be without siblings. ALL THE THINKING!! When you want something so badly, it’s human nature to think about it all the time. It’s easy to get consumed by it. I was told quite a bit to stop thinking about it. So how do you do that? I truly don’t have the answer to this one. I thought about it every day for a year. I know you’re supposed to give it to God and although I spent more time in prayer than I ever have in my life, it still didn’t take my mind off of it.
Be grateful you have one
I was kind of taken aback by this one. What made it seem as though I weren’t grateful for the child I had? Through the course of the year, I became more and more grateful and found myself thanking God more than I ever have for my child. My mom actually said this one to me. She absolutely wasn’t being malicious in her words. As a matter of fact, she was speaking on behalf of all the women out there that don’t have any children at all. Even so, it was still hurtful.
A friend of mine was talking about her current struggle to have another child. One thing she said to me was, “I know I should be grateful that I have one.” No one says that you aren’t grateful. No one says you’re not allowed to be hurt and upset that you can’t expand your family. Just like many women in this world, I was struggling to expand my family. I had a child, and although I was/am extremely grateful for him, it was still difficult. Because this was something that said to me and I know how I felt when I heard it, it is something I would never tell a mother struggling to have another baby.
You need to use the (FILL IN THE BLANK) Sex Position
Oh, for the love, DON’T. JUST. DON’T.
So what DO you say??? I made a post of my fertility struggles on Instagram. A mother sent me a personal message that said, “I’m so sorry. I know and I understand.” It was perfect. No advice. Just empathy and understanding. Because sometimes as women, we just want to be heard and understood. That’s all. But what if you didn’t struggle to conceive children? Then what do you say? Sometimes honesty is the best policy. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I never had to struggle like that. I’m here if you need to vent/talk.
When it comes to pregnancy and babies, we ALL have had different experiences. Some harder than others. We all handle it in different ways. One very important thing I have learned, is to be careful with my words. Because I don’t know her story and I don’t know what she’s been through.