Don’t these pictures tell a beautiful story? A young couple, in love, awaiting the birth of their first child. They walk along the beach, gazing into each others eyes more in love than ever before…
Little did my photographer know, I was ready to punch Scott in the throat just hours before this shoot. Do I remember what for? Not really. Did I get over it? Sure.
I read a blog post not long after I had Grady. The writer was GUSHING about her marriage after she had her baby. She went on and on about how her marriage was stronger than ever, they were so in love, worked together better than ever, yada, yada. Wow. I thought. I want whatever she’s drinking. Don’t get me wrong. She could have totally been telling the truth. But that’s not how I feel since having a baby. Not that I’m divorcing or my marriage is in doom (just want to get that straight). Things are just different.
First of all, marriage is work. Hard work. When you first get married, you’re figuring each other out. (I’ve been married four years and I’m still figuring Scott out.) You knew who you were as an individual but now you have a parter in your life and you need to learn who you are as a team. At the same time, you need to maintain your sense of self because even though you’re married, you need to have a life outside of your husband. Now have a baby. You still need to meet your husbands needs all while taking care of YOUR needs and oh yeah, you have to take care of a baby (which is going to take up most of your life). After you have a baby, it’s harder to find the person you once were. It’s also harder to maintain a strong and healthy marriage. You’re trying to figure each other out but then you also have to figure this new human out. It’s exhausting. When I came home from the hospital, all I remember is crying 24/7. My emotions were in overdrive and screaming at Scott was the only thing that seemed to make me feel better. He didn’t know how to respond so yelling was his fallback. It wasn’t very much fun.
Now that the craziness of a newborn has worn off we’re starting to learn who we are as a family, who we are as a couple, and who we are as individuals. Some things I’ve learned about US over time is that if we don’t put our marriage first, then the entire family unit collapses. We are not here because of the baby, the baby is here because of US. I know there are certain things I have to maintain in order to make our marriage a happy one. Notice how I used the term “I.” Rather than telling Scott what he needs to do, I’m making myself accountable in this marriage. So what am I doing?
Ask him about his day
I only noticed this recently, but every single time Scott comes home or calls from the road, he asks me about my day. I go on and on about what Grady and I have done, what we’ve eaten, what his poop looked like, without a single thought about asking him how his day went. I literally would hang up the phone after a replay of all my errands and asking what time he would be home. It was as if I had no interest in the career that was supporting our family. Pretty selfish of me. Now, I make it a point to ask how that interview went. How did it go with that customer? How did your presentation go? I never really paid attention to where Scott was going or what he was doing. The baby held most of my attention. These days, I try really hard to focus when he’s telling me about work (even if it’s through blurred vision from lack of sleep). I want to ask him about his day and make him feel like what he’s doing is important. Yes, what we’re doing as mothers is the most important job, but we don’t have to shove it in the men’s faces and what they do is just as important.
Date your husband
This one is hard. Especially when there are children involved. We used to love renting movies on a Friday night. We would pour wine and stay up late and get to sleep in the next day. Although Grady is sleeping through the night, he’s still up at six in the morning. I’m exhausted from the day and usually can’t keep my eyes open past nine. When Friday night rolls around, we have a game plan of what we’re going to rent. I get the baby ready for bed and he does the dishes. As Grady is going down for bed at 7:30, we start a movie so that I can hit the sack by 9:00. Not very romantic, but we still get to spend some time together without the baby.
Going on dates is a tough one, too. Scott and I aim for one date night (or day date) a month. We look at the calendar and book our sitter. I’m sure it will be harder to do a date night if we have a second baby. That’s something we’ll have to figure out once we cross that bridge. But for right now, we shoot for once a month.
Pick up a hobby you can do together
Scott loves to golf. I grew up playing softball and then got into tennis. I never had any desire to play golf until I met Scott. I know damn good and well that one of these days my kids are going to go off into the sunset and have a life of their own. I’m going to need to foster a life with my husband so that I’m not clinging to my kids heels begging them not to go. Golfing is something that I’m learning to do because I know that it is something that we can do together with or without our kids. We can play as a family (if they are interested) and Scott and I can play together with no kids around. It goes back to getting that babysitter. This is a good day date for the two of us.
Words of Encouragement
One of the things I have learned from being married to Scott is that he likes to hear words of encouragement. He likes to hear how hard he’s working in his career, what a great dad he is, how he’s stepped up to the plate to help with miscellaneous things around the house. All these things are true about him, he just needs to hear it. When we were home for Thanksgiving, my aunt was lecturing me about being a good wife. “I hope you let him know what a good man he is and how much you need him!” I loudly protested that I had written him a letter for his birthday stating what a wonderful life he has given us. My sister in law, who is rather quiet and says very little, replied with a sarcastic undertone, “I’m sure he opens up that letter and reads it every day.” Her point being, say what he wants to hear. Don’t put it in a letter. It’s a bonus when you say it in front of people.
Make the man a meal
Every single night it’s the same thing. “Sooooooo…..what are we doing for dinner?” He doesn’t really mean what are we doing for dinner. He means what am I doing for dinner. It was so annoying. Here I was going from being single and not cooking at all (let alone buying groceries) to cooking every single night. I didn’t know what to cook, what to buy, what time to start. We both grew up in households where the wife cooked every night so it was definitely an expectation. Yet I was still set in my “independent” ways and dug my heels in. I wasn’t going to cook every night. Believe it or not, this caused a lot of arguments between the two of us. My mom said, “why don’t you just feed the man? Why is that so much to ask?” I went on to say something along the lines of what is he going to do for me and that’s when I realized it shouldn’t be tit for tat. Marriage shouldn’t be like that. Scott wants a hot meal when he’s done with his day. I can give him that. I’ve cooked for him for several years now and I know how to take the time to meal plan, search the pantry for what I have and what I need, run to the store, etc. Many meals were trial and error and some turned out bad. Yet he has never once said that anything I have cooked was disgusting. That, to me, is gratitude. For that reason, cooking every night isn’t an issue anymore.
Sex
I’m still learning about this one and don’t have any words of wisdom. After a baby, I just don’t feel very sexy. I will say that Scott has never said anything negative or made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. The way I feel is because of me. And how do you balance everything else in your life and still not be exhausted when you go to bed? Sex takes energy. And sometimes I have none. That’s an entirely different blog post.
I don’t have all the secrets to a perfect marriage. My marriage is far from perfect to be advising anyone on how things should be done. I just know that for me, I needed to change some of my ways in order to make things better. There are things I’d wish he would change…like leaving the toilet seat down, not leaving clothes all over our furniture, stop slamming the door, etc. But those things are minor and I’m willing to let that go because if that’s all I have to deal with, then I’ve got a pretty good life.