I debated posting this because it’s just so personal. But then I thought maybe in sharing, I could offer some comfort to someone else going through the same thing. I recently had a miscarriage and I had some guilt because I didn’t feel like I deserved to be sad about it. Don’t get me wrong: I shed a few tears. But I just felt like I needed to suck it up. That’s not saying this is how I think everyone should handle a miscarriage. This is just me. This is just how I handled it. Before I explain any further, let me back up:
I’ve made it no secret that we’ve been trying to have a baby for some time. Grady happened so quick, so it’s been jarring when a second baby didn’t happen right away. (This post explains all that.) I can’t tell you how much money we’ve spent on ovulation kits and pregnancy tests. The amount of stress and pressure I’ve put on myself is insurmountable. So when I woke up one morning with that all too familiar feeling, it was nothing to run to the bathroom to take yet another test. After two minutes, there it was. A second little line indicating pregnancy. It was faint. But it was there. I felt such a wave of joy. Finally, it had happened. I had gotten pregnant. My husband wasn’t so convinced. “Let’s wait a couple of days and see what happens.” So I waited a few agonizing days. Took another test. There it was again. A second line only this time, it wasn’t so faint. It was there. A third test convinced me I was finally pregnant. We celebrated with donuts. I was researching when the baby would be due. I looked at maternity clothes and started thinking about what styles I would need for which season. I made a new baby Pinterest board. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so excited and grateful. And then I started bleeding.
I googled (you should never google) and it said that you can get a period and still be pregnant. Still having hope that there was a little human growing inside, I called my doctor to fill her in.
“What it sounds like is a chemical pregnancy. It’s where the egg and sperm meet but there is no implantation.”
Cue the glass shattering. That information was so disappointing to hear. I had to go in for bloodwork to check my HGC levels and they would go from there.
It took no time for the results to come back. It was literally the next day.
“Your HGC level was at 40…which is low. But that’s to be expected since you’re bleeding. We’ll need you to come in one week from today to have it checked again.”
A week later, I was back in the chair, having more bloodwork done. The call back the next day was not as I was expecting.
“So your HGC level went from 40 to 1558. The doctor wants you to come in tomorrow to have more bloodwork done.”
I was so confused. When your HGC level rises, that means you’re pregnant.
“Does this mean I could still be pregnant???” I saw a little glimmer of hope. But the nurse on the other end of the line refused to say the “P” word.
“We just need to see if your HGC levels go up or down.”
The very next day, I was in the chair, having blood drawn yet again, Grady sitting patiently with his snack in the stroller. The results for this blood test were even more shocking.
“Soooooo…..your HGC level went from 1558 to 3040…..that’s pretty significant. We’re going to need you to go in for a sonogram to see what’s going on.”
My hopes were lifting and I thought for sure I was still pregnant.
“Am I getting a sonogram to see if I’m pregnant???”
Once again, the nurse wouldn’t say “it.”
“We just need to see what’s going on in there.”
So there I was, just days later, getting a sonogram done. The nurse didn’t have any of the sound machines on, and she wasn’t telling me if she could see anything. All she said was that a doctor was going to read me the results. He wasn’t the friendliest guy and he had no bedside manner.
“Yeah, I just don’t see anything. It looks like you might have had a blighted ovum.”
What? What is a blighted ovum? I asked him to elaborate.
“Well, it’s basically when your body tricks you into thinking you’re pregnant. You have a sack, but there’s no embryo. It’s still pretty early so it’s hard to tell. If there IS an embryo and you don’t want to be pregnant, your doctor can give you something to terminate the pregnancy.”
I just sat there, stunned. “No, I don’t want to terminate the pregnancy. We’ve been trying to have a baby for a while…so I’m not pregnant?”
The doctor seemed irritated that I had more questions. “The fact that you’re cramping and bleeding isn’t a good sign…”
The weeks that followed consisted of more bloodwork, more bleeding, more visits to the doctor. Eventually, my HGC levels went back down to zero.
That leaves me to where I am now. I cried for a hot second while my husband hugged me in the kitchen.
“I just really wish it was a baby…”
But it wasn’t. I can’t cry forever about it. Then I started thinking about my own child. I have a child. SO many women out there have had to go through so many measures to get just ONE child. Some can’t get a child at all. I follow a girl on Instagram who is on her last round of IVF and she only has one last shot of having a baby. I didn’t have to do anything for my son. Not only that, this miscarriage happened so early. I don’t feel like I had to suffer like so many others. A girl I work out with said she had to have a C-section at 24 weeks after she lost her baby. 24 WEEKS. I just can’t imagine. I know another girl that actually had to fill out a death certificate after having a baby. I don’t know how I would have gone on after having to do that. They say God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Maybe I’ve never had to go through these things because He knows I’m not strong enough to handle it. And then I look around at my life and wonder what I did to deserve it. Why didn’t I have to go through what so many other women go through? I’m by no means an exceptional human being. I’ve never done anything extraordinary. So why am I blessed with what I have? Yes, I could possibly one day go through something detrimental. But for now, I haven’t. And I thank God every day for that.
In our Bible study we are going through the Book of Ruth and Ruth has accepted the assignment of refinement. I feel like maybe that’s the season of life I’m in now: God is using this to refine me. I don’t think I had enough gratitude when I was pregnant with Grady. I feel like maybe I took it for granted. More than ever now, I look around and have that much more gratitude for the things I have. I see/hear someone struggling to have a child and I have that much more compassion with what she’s going through. I am praying that much more for God to lead the way and handle it. Our study text says: “The assignments of joy, peace and love are easy assignments for us to accept, but the assignments that challenge and stretch us are usually the assignments that make us want to quit.”
I’ve never been a quitter. Some things are a little tough to get through right now. But I always want to think positive and my life ain’t so bad. Someone always has it worse. And there’s still a little ray of hope that I can have another baby one day. Until then, I’m focusing on the now. I’m grateful for the things I have rather than the things I don’t. In addition, I’m totally at peace with having a miscarriage. I know God has a plan that is far greater than what I could ever imagine. Besides that, no one wants to listen to me whine anyway…
Maternity photos by Andi St. Germain