I’ve only been married for a hot minute but I’ve learned a few things along the way. I’m definitely one of those girls that likes to “figure things out.” Personally, much marriage advice I got from others didn’t necessarily work for me. It’s just like having kids and getting advice – every kid (and marriage) is different! So here are the top five things I’ve learned in my first five years of marriage.
He Ain’t Gonna Change!
We all know this is true and we’ve all heard it before. I just didn’t think it applied to me (yuck, yuck, yuck). For the past five years, I have asked Scott to put his things away, hang his jackets in the coat closet, put dishes in the sink. For the past five years, he hasn’t done any of those things. I’ve pitched temper tantrums and screamed and nagged. It hasn’t (and won’t work). After five years I have realized I have several options: 1.) Continue to scream and get no where and make both of our lives miserable. 2.) Leave the items lying around to collect dust. 3.) Just go ahead and clean up after him. I’ve decided on choice 3. Why? Because you know what? There are many things HE does for ME that I don’t ask him to do. In the past five years, I haven’t serviced or washed my car. He’s done all those things. I haven’t touched or payed a single bill in five years. Do I want control of the finances? Not really. Do I want to sit down and pay all our bills and handle the money? Nope. He’s better at that than I am. He ALWAYS handles the food on the weekends (because I don’t cook on weekends) and he will run and get me Dunkin Donuts coffee at the drop of a hat. Scott is a very gender role oriented husband. I stay home. I cook. I clean all day. I play and work with our son. I make dinner and then I put our kid to bed. I went on a tangent about how important it was for him to put Grady to bed and read to him at night. I demanded he start doing it more than once a month. He DID start for a little while, but then it tapered off. I quit bitching about it because I know that when Grady is older, Scott will step in more. The baby stage just isn’t his thing. And I’m okay with that. I will add that he DOES put all the food away and throws the dishes in the sink to soak.
It’s Never Going to be Perfect
“OH MY GOOOOSH!! Did you see the picture of Linda and Rob on Facebook??? They were dancing under the stars!! SO ROMANTIC! Linda says they hardly ever fight and Rob says their sex life is AMAZING! UGH! They’re so LUCKY!“
Yeah, Linda and Rob are liars. I have yet to meet a couple (in real life) that has the perfect, most amazing marriage. I see it on Facebook often about these “perfect” marriages and I try not to get caught up in the hype. It’s our job as human beings to learn and grow – especially with our spouse. It’s human nature to fight and argue about things. You have to live with the same person day in and day out. It can get annoying sometimes. Learning to compromise in a healthy way is how we grow together closer than we were before. It’s like when you plant two vine seeds in close proximity. When the seeds are watered and cared for, the vines twist and grow together up the wall. I try to look at my marriage like that. We fight. And we fight hard. Sometimes I’m mad at him for DAAAAYZZZZ. He usually forgets what we fought about. But most of the time, the fight never comes up again and we’re closer than we were before. We apologize (he apologizes more than me but I have a hard time saying “I’m sorry”) and we move on. Sometimes we talk about an argument, sometimes it doesn’t need a discussion. Letting go is one thing I’ve learned to do in my marriage. Staying mad gets you nowhere.
Don’t Use Sex as a Weapon
Scott was doing his usual ‘not picking up after himself’ and I was expressing aggravation. The advice I got was literally “cut him off.” Ummmmm….the last time I checked, that only makes matters worse. I have yet to hear a woman say, “Yeah, I can get Jerry to do whatever he wants just by cutting him off.” I’m not speaking for every husband, but if Scott’s needs aren’t met at some point (sooner rather than later) he gets moody and grouchy. There are times when HE reaches his breaking point with a tantrum. Men have needs. Yes, there are times when I’ve been wiping butts all day and the shop is closed but I don’t use sex as a way of punishment. I don’t feel like he would deserve that. Why degrade him and dangle sex like bait? I feel like sometimes the realization of undesirable behavior is punishment enough for some men.
Find a Hobby Outside from Him
Blogging is my hobby. I enjoy sitting down and writing. I don’t make money from blogging and I’m not out for notoriety. I genuinely love sitting down and writing. It’s a good, clean, healthy hobby. I also enjoy running, crafting and floral arranging. These are all things I can do on my own when Scott is out doing his own thing. What husband wants their wife calling him 24/7 because she’s bored and can’t figure out what to do? I can find plenty to do. I love it when Scott will look at me and say, “Let’s do something together today…” Once he’s had his space and he’s ready, he makes time for us. I will add that I need my space too. When he sees that I’m about to crack and need a break, he’s more than willing to take our son for the day to give me time to myself. I feel like at this point in our lives we have a pretty good balance.
Find a Hobby Together
There will be a time when Grady is all grown up and moved away. He’s not going to need me anymore and I’m going to be left alone with Scott and then what? It will be the next season of our lives and we’re going to need to learn to live together without kids. Scott’s only hobby is golf. It’s all he’s ever done and loved. So guess what? I learned to play golf. Some would ask why he didn’t take up one of MY hobbies but running and crafting is probably not something we can do when we’re old. I’m not very good at it and I’m still learning but I sure do have a great time out with my ladies league! We’ve gone on a few golfing dates together and Scott gets frustrated that I’m not that good BUT I know if I keep playing that it will be something we do together in our spare time.
While writing this, I had a thought. I don’t remember Scott ever asking me to change my ways or do certain things. I don’t recall him ever nagging me to do this or that. I’m the one doing all that. I guess I’ve learned one more thing in my five years of marriage: my husband is pretty awesome and I’m so blessed God brought us together.